The answers to our questions about ourselves always come from within.
This whole winter has been about that for me. I have historically been a person whose self-esteem is validated by others and external sources. I’m not going to get into why that is, but it has a lot to do with how I was raised, and how I saw myself in my parents’ eyes.
I have had a hard time in the past accepting myself – especially when I’m all alone at night – and that’s been something I’ve worked on with my therapist and myself.
It’s been something that I have always hung onto and turning that corner was a huge deal for me.
So, when I woke up this morning feeling alone – and rather lonely, if I’m being completely honest about it, I was ready to feel sorry for myself and do something impulsive and stupid.
But I didn’t. How’s that? Well, I simply had a conversation with myself, and because I’m letting my own internal voice be the loudest one in my head, I allowed my own internal voice to remind me that I am fucking awesome.
I keep repeating it, and I’m actually starting to believe it. Positive messaging works – and especially on my pea brain.
I am fucking awesome and if I’m alone and on my own it’s because I chose it to be that way.
I am fucking awesome.
There have been moments in the past two months where I have cried myself to sleep. There have been moments where I considered doing something bad to myself. Full confession: I have given serious thought to taking the ‘long walk’ as I like to put it to the next world – in whichever way would be most painless.
Yes, I thought about it.
Yes, I had some dark moments.
But those are often self-created and changing your perspective has actually allowed me to believe that which I keep repeating in my head.
That I am fucking awesome.
I am fucking awesome.
Just in case you find the foul language off-putting, I apologize. However, I live without a filter, so that’s just another part of the Marc Lalonde Experience.
I’ve realized that I’m only going to be as good as I feel in the world, so it’s important that I take stock of a life full of exciting adventures and realize in fact, that I. Am. Fucking. Awesome.
And because I know internally that I am awesome, I take other things a lot les personally.
Don’t like me? Your loss. Don’t want to spend time with me? Ok. That’s on you.
But I. Am. Fucking. Awesome.
My therapist has hit me with some really great ideas and perspectives – not the least of which is that being comfortable with ourselves is the only true path to happiness. I was hard-wired to believe that it had to be others who approve of you in this world, but the reality is that when you’re sitting alone on your couch late at night and not loving it, you have to be your own best friend.
I’m 47 years old. That’s a long time to have to wait to accept yourself, but some people never, ever do – and that’s sad.
But today is not the day to dwell on the sad.
Know why?
Because I. Am. Fucking. Awesome.
If you are maybe reading this and don’t feel the same way about yourself, then I highly recommend getting into a routine of self-affirmation to help yourself with the internal dialogue that might be taking place.
The more I say it, the more I feel it. The more I feel it, the more I live it. The more I live it, the happier I am.
The happier I am, the easier it is to live in the world.
You. Are. Fucking Awesome.
So am I.
Now go live it.