Finding the courage to say the things we cannot say
Where do we find the courage when everything seems dark and cold?
In the wake of a friend’s passing by way of suicide, I have taken a good long, hard look at my life and I still have questions there that maybe I just don’t have the courage to answer.
I struggled with my self-worth for many, many years. I didn’t see myself as desirable, or worthy, or successful, despite professional success and a fair bit of success in the athletic and coaching arenas.
This summer, a friend helped me see for myself that I was a person worthy of love and deserving of happiness.
I choose now to honour her memory every day by being my best self, living my day to the absolute fullest and committing myself to goals that she had encouraged me to pursue. I choose to honour her memory by knowing I am a kind person who is worthy of happiness.
She died believing that she wasn’t worthy of happiness, despite a life spent spreading it to others, and after a great deal of introspection, I realized that for me to feel it back I needed to start helping others ‘feel the love,’ as it were.
One of my favourite expressions as a trainer is ‘you are what you consistently do,’ and I have come to the realization that I was going about this love thing all wrong. If I wanted to feel love back, I needed to love others more, and I needed to love them better.
I’m trying like hell to do that. And I’m starting with the people who matter to me. If you are reading this, you likely can number yourself among them.
How, then, do you come up with the words ‘I haven’t been good enough, and I’m going to be better,’ to those you care about the most? How do you swallow your pride and tell your kids you have let them down? If I can give more, I will give it.
I’ve had to answer that, and a lot more, questions in my own mind in the last month. How, then, do you find the courage to tell people the things you need to tell them?
I…haven’t yet found the words. There are friends in my life who mean a lot to me, but I’m not sure they know it. There are people I know that I would like to know better, but I haven’t had the courage to tell them.
Is a belle somehow worth more if it doesn’t ring? I’m not sure.
If Lianne were still here, I would tell her that I am a better person because she was in my life, and that she taught me a little bit about how to be a more giving friend.
I never told her that, out loud.
And I wish I had. She deserved it. We all do, I think.