Healing is messy and sometimes we trip and fall.
Sometimes we trip and fall. Sometimes we feel the world falling down around us and we feel powerless to stop it.
And the only way to heal is through absolute honesty. Truth must be told and the light must be shone, otherwise the darkness wins.
In the month of June, I saw one man’s face explode and couldn’t stop seeing it everywhere I went. With the death of my beloved dog and several other traumas that affected me deeply and in a way I still don’t truly understand.
I had a break from reality. I had a brief psychotic episode and I sought immediate medical aid and intervention.
You know all that stuff that happened to Robert Downey, Jr. before he started playing Tony Stark? That’s how I felt. I am told that a friend found me pacing the overpass on St. John’s Boulevard back and forth, over and over, from side to side.
I went five nights in a row without sleeping. During that time, I could no longer discern reality from delusions and everywhere I looked, I saw past trauma. It used to be I only had that in my dreams, at night, but now, it was waking. I was no longer myself and I needed help. I sought it.
I would get up from where I was trying to sleep and I would walk for hours until the sun started to come up, and then get in the car and drive aimlessly for a few hours. When I was lucid, I would put reminders on my phone for appointments, but I honestly couldn’t tell you if
I made all my appointments that week or not.
I don’t remember much about that week. I remember the police, and the heat – and that’s about it.
A blog post I published a while back, called ‘The Week From Hell, Managed’ was blatantly dishonest and I’m sorry for that, dear readers.
I was simply trying to mask what was happening to me to protect those around me and my loved ones and it was wrong and unfair.
Truth is messy. Healing is messy and hard. Honesty is even more difficult, but so very liberating.
So I’m being honest.
Know that despite all of our best efforts in life – and I am giving it my best efforts, living with love in my heart, giving freely of myself and my blessings to make amends to those I hurt and to those I love.
Know that I’m doing all that I can to get better and focus on my own good mental health.
Know that I’m grateful each and every day for my family, my clients, my friends and the greatest angel of my existence.
One thing about that week – and the crushing lows that have followed – is that I managed to not collapse in a way I might have done a while back. I didn’t fall into a pile of junk food that would derail the hard work I’ve put in on my body, I didn’t indulge in even a single sweet snack and I was careful about how I fuelled my body.
So, seven months into my year without sugar and I’m substantially lighter, stronger and more agile. I made the decision to start playing organized touch football this fall, despite my surgically-repaired right quadriceps.
So, there is optimism, even though it’s often hidden underneath a veil of self-doubt and crushing -- at times – anxiety about my future.
But that’s life, right?
You just gotta keep on showing up.