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  • Writer's pictureMarc Lalonde

Looking to find my smile again


When I look into her big brown eyes I'm jelly

The dark nights of the soul.


I have heard people I think very much of say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, and I still wrestle with why and how that is at times.


I do know that despite the worst week I’ve had since January – and there have been some bad ones – my anxiety, my stress, my emotional dysregulation and, dare I say, inner pain that manifested itself as a splitting headache at the best of times and an evil mood at the worst of them.


But despite the relentless pain and continuous cycle of mental self-flagellation, where I wake up with night terrors and then lie there telling myself I deserve to have them afterwards. I do that most of the night and a lot of the daytime these days.


I know that I am a good person and that I deserve to be loved but when I am alone in the dark nothing feels like safe harbour anymore and that at moments it feels like I’m in a snow-globe of crazy, the snowflakes are my thoughts and everything is being shaken all the time and no one can see the flakes but me.


My therapist says it’s a function of ADHD and associated disorders and that there are a lot of people like me.


On the other hand


I


Have


Never


Felt


More


Alone


It’s awful. There is no safe place left for me.


But I persist. My business is climbing and working with people is my only real source of pleasure these days. I love watching my clients smile, work, glow and succeed. It’s the best part of my day.


That said, my year without sugar remains intact, and I’ve successfully avoided the tremendous urge to salve my vicious cycle of self-abuse with emotional eating.


My nutritional discipline has been one thing that has been very, very good for me lately and I am seeing the results. Shirtless photos are coming around the corner, but they’re not quite there yet.


I just need to keep on controlling those urges and finding my smile again.


Just gotta find that smile again.


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1 Comment


Renée Ouellette
Renée Ouellette
Apr 22, 2023

You will.

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