Dear readers, this has been the week from hell.
Last week, I noticed one of my beloved dogs, Diesel, was lethargic and not eating. After a quick trip to the vet to confirm my worst fears, we found out he was going to have to be put down and quite frankly, that sent me into an emotional tailspin for a couple of days. I coped, as I often do, by staying busy and exercising to manage the waves of stress and emotions that flood my brain on the daily when I am feeling stress.
And boy, am I feeling stress right now.
On Monday, there was a shooting of a prominent local mobster at my gym. This in and of itself wouldn't be that big a concern -- statistically speaking the gym is even safer now -- but I walked into the gym just a minute or two before the man was shot near the front door. I also made the mistake of going to see what was happenig before police had the chance to show up and cordon off the area.
So, the gym closed down for a couple of days and I had to move some of my clients to an outdoor space, and others still were concerned by the air quality of the atmopshere given the wildfires north of the city.
So, that stress flooded my brain, too, and I was faced with the possibility of having to once again build my business back up again from nothing. Of course, that wasn't the case, but that's how it felt.
With the loss of income for a couple of days and the trauma of the loss of a beloved family member, I have fallen, emotionally. I am not well and I don't feel good. I can't really relax and I can't really calm down -- and I haven't been for days. It feels like I'm living on a string between two skyscrapers; literally and one false step and it's all over.
Obviously, it's not but that's how things feel at present.
Here's how I'm coping:
I'm making my world smaller for the next few days; I'm going to focus on my kids and my work and coaching football and that's what will help me restore some level of happiness -- I would just take 'no more malaise,' as a mood, too.
It just doesn't feel possible right now.
I had some of the worst sugar cravings this week that I have felt in months. I was at Provigo, and the bags of brightly colored jujubes and bags of chocolate-covered almonds were so tempting that I barely managed to walk past them without inhaling them.
It was a watershed moment for me, but it came with no satisfaction, because the cortisol flooding my brain right now refuses to allow me the possibility of satisfaction.
And that's OK.
Because it's not about how we fall, but how we get back up.
And make no mistake, even though I haven't passed out amongst a pile of candy wrappers, I have fallen and I',m trying to get back up.
It's. So. Hard.
But it's also so worth it.
Yesterday, I poured my stress-energy into training and managed to do three full hours. That training day felt good and left me in a position where I could sleep a few hours -- good sleep is also very, very hard to come by now. I went for a run with my son and I enjoyed a walk with my dog in the evening and ate well. High protein and I liked myself in the morning, so that's something.
Gratitude is really important when you feel like this, so I would be remiss if I didn;t say how grateful I was for my family, for my children and for the angels in my life, especially the greatest angel in my life, period. You know who you are.
I am grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts, hopes and dreams with you, dear readers.
I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to share my love of movement and training with my clients and I am grateful to my Lakeshore football family for supporting me in this very hard time. I love you all.