A letter to a friend
Updated: Nov 7, 2019
I’m incredibly angry with you right now.
Last week, you were a part of my life, your smile and sunny nature brightening our every interaction. Even though you were hurting on the inside, you always found a way to make everyone else feel special and your kindness was contagious. So while I am angry at you for leaving us, I am happy you’re not in pain anymore.
Now you’re gone, having no longer been able to face the pain of living inside your own head.
You saw no way out and you found the only way you could fathom – suicide.
Your friends and family constantly marvelled at your inner light and at your way of making everyone feel welcome and wanted. You made people feel important, even if they didn’t want to feel great. You had that effect on pretty much everyone you knew. Your 38 years on the earth left many, many people wishing you could have more, but that’s not our choice anymore. Your pain was all-encompassing and it makes me genuinely sad that we couldn’t take some off your shoulders and put it on us.
We knew, though, that your sunny outlook hid a secret room of self-loathing filled with pain. You would say things that would boggle my mind and that in no way described the incredibly gracious person you were.
You called yourself a taker, but you only ever gave.
You said you were worthless and useless but you made sure those around you knew their worth and told them as often as you could.
You hid your pain as best you could from the world, but we knew. I just didn’t know you would leave us as suddenly and as violently as you did, and that’s what I can’t live with.
I can’t coincide the self-loathing with the generosity of spirit anybody around you couldn’t help but feel… and when you were melancholy, it was the like the whole world was a little darker and a little colder. Your kindness and love was always evident and you never took a day off from taking care of people.
Pretty soon, life will continue as it always has. Kids will go to school, adults will go to work, and life will continue. The sun will rise. The sun will set. Time will pass, and life will begin to return to normal.
But as we often realize, there is no normal.
I feel, frankly, quite selfish for writing this, given the grief your mom, dad and sister are feeling. Given the pain your friends are feeling and given the pain everyone who knew you is feeling.
I don’t care. Grief is a selfish feeling. It has no beginning and no end. It’s always there and you have to know that losing you will affect all of us for a long, long time.
You deserve that.
But for those of us you left behind, the world will always, always be a little darker and a little colder without your light and warmth. We will not forget you, nor will we forget how you made us feel.
You deserve that.
You will live on forever in our hearts.
You deserve that, too.