All my nerve endings are on fire
I’m coming to grips with a lot of emotions this week. Soooo many.
My daughter – one of the loves of my life – will turn 18 at the end of the month, so in just a couple of days.
It’s an opportunity to look back on my life and re-orient my priorities.
I have used this opportunity to consider my life, the work I’ve done, and the people I’ve helped.
I think about the people who have come into my life and for which reasons.
I think about the people I have loved who have passed away – and despite my relatively young 46 years old, is kind of a high number.
I think about my sister, Lisey, who passed away at 36 after fighting cancer for six years as bravely as anyone I have ever seen and whose toughness had to be seen to be believed. She was an incredible inspiration and remains one to this day. She had an inner light that couldn’t be stifled.
My two sisters were the best of friends and I know my sister Emilie is still a little bit broken by her loss. I suppose in a way, we all are. Because, frankly, Lisey was the best of all of us. She was a better person than I was, and her loss makes me question a lot of the things I thought about the universe.
I think about my friend Steve Iacovelli, who was the de facto father figure I sought and found in my life at a time when I needed one the most. He taught me how to love, be tolerant, brave, diligent, prepared and engaged. He taught me so much that losing him has left a giant void in my life I might never fill. Steve died in 2001 in the first blush of his thirties after his liver failed and he didn’t survive the operating table. Steve was also a far, far better person than I was and again, I ask myself – why do these things happen to people whose light shone brighter than mine?
I think about childhood friends Jordan Bonspiel and her brother Cameron, who lived next door to me for a few years and became a part of my extended families. I think about another friend of Cameron’s, Brad Davis, whose sudden passing of a heart attack last year left a young family looking to go forward.
These were good, wonderful people gone before their times. It’s incredibly frustrating and tragic. Days like these bring perspective home. We have one life. So, we have to live it no matter how afraid we might be. I know that now.
I was supposed to go see a new therapist today, but that appointment got cancelled thanks to a nasty stomach bug going around. To give you a idea of how my pea brain works, now that I have time to myself it’s time for my anxiety to go into high gear.
So, because I’m a fragile person who knows that public self-flagellation is better than no accountability at all, I say to you, dear readers, that it’s a day like this where my emotional eating could and would spiral out of control.
Lost in my own thoughts? Stuck in my own head?
Considering the paradox of bad things happening to good people?
My nerve endings are literally on fire as I write this – and as cathartic as this may seem, I’m still going to put in a few hours at the gym to quell the fires of anxiety inside me.
And that’s how it has to be. The mere act of writing this blog entry out has helped me grab some hold of my fears and helped me to realize that I have so much more to gain from controlling my impulsive response than by letting it grow out of control.
I guess that’s a form of healing, huh?
TODAY’S WORKOUT NOTES: METABOLIC RESISTANCE
Today will be a cross-train day, meaning I’ll do a total-body workout at the gym. Today I’ll be at Monster Gym near the Dorval-Pointe-Claire-Dollard-des-Ormeaux border just off the Highway 40 service road. Monster Gym is great because it’s literally the best equipped gym I have ever seen. Despite its popularity it’s unlikely you’ll ever have to wait long for equipment.
On that note, dear readers, I’m considering renting space from Monster Gym. Would there be any among you who would consider following me over there to train? It’s a great facility.
Email me at email@example.com if that’s something you want to look into.
Today, I will start with barbell squats and move on to two other heavy lifts, bench press and Bent over barbell row. I’ll start with those because those take the most energy. From there I’ll move onto a sequence of exercises that will be lighter but done at a faster pace, with less rest in between. It’s a concept I call ‘metabolic resistance.’
I’ll wrap the workout by planking and doing a sequence of 4 different abdominal exercises. In the last month of no sugar, I’ve lost a ridiculous amount of fat off my midsection and so abdominal work had become far more attractive to me again.
Amazing how that happens.
I have a love in my life and that makes me stronger than anything.