Coming to grips with who I am and how I got this way
Food, man. It’s always been there for me. Consistency, which I craved out of my life and my days as a kid, was and remains the hallmark of sugary snacking foods.
When I was just a boy, the lure of the sugary treat was not the psychological crutch it has become in my adult years, but that sweet tooth formed and it formed fast.
I have fond remembrances not of family feasts in abundance, or any particular goodie that my grandmother or mother made. In fact, there was very little of that around growing up. I suppose, as an ADHD kid, I was fascinated moreso by the colourful wrappers and satisfying visceral feeling of the wrapper, the whole tactile experience.
I’ve done some things I’m greatly ashamed of when it comes to food. One thing I tend to do with fast food, especially, is kind of hoard it. I’ll buy extra. Like, an extra hamburger, or a couple of extra hot dogs. Maybe an extra sandwich, maybe some extra chicken or extra anything.
You name it.
My loved ones implored me in the past to stop and I have, but it wasn’t until I came toe-to-toe with my fears of not having enough to eat.
I’ll have to assume that also stems from childhood when we didn’t have a lot of money – in the early 80s, a single-parent household was still enough of a rarity that we were notable – and now, I don’t worry about having enough to eat because in the 26 days I’ve gone without sugar, I also haven’t been tempted to buy more food than I need just to feel safe.
But I have love in my life and I know that I’m safe. I know it. Deep in my heart, which is healing.
Today was an interesting day. I got a hold of a microphone and I will be able to start posting video files – just as soon as I figure out how best to maximize my esthetic value – in other words, how to make me less like a toad. The one on top of this post is merely a tease, a harbinger of the great things to come.
I was so anxious about posting video that I worked out twice today. Two full, 10-sets-times-three-for-a-total-of 30-weight-training-sets workouts.
I feel AMAZING. Tired, but amazing.
Keep it posted here, readers, because it’s going to be a whole year without sugar and the hard part – coming to grips with my fear (what if someone finds out I make mistakes?), my guilt (I’m sorry I made a mistake) and shame ( I am a mistake) – is kinda over. Granted some of these January nights have been very long and very dark.
But I have love in my life and that makes me stronger than anything.