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  • Writer's pictureMarc Lalonde

The Rule of Trump: How do you know if the U.S. President is lying?

The U.S. President’s epic, near-pathological need to stretch the truth to protect his own ego has finally helped me reach my breaking point in terms of how I view the things that he says and the things the people around him say.

There’s a code, and I’ve cracked it.

'Who has two thumbs and a terrifying fast-food habit? This guy!'

Last weekend, Donald Trump was reportedly rushed to Walter Reed Military Hospital to, the official story says, to visit a sick child and begin the ‘first phase’ of the 72-year-old’s annual physical. The President himself tweeted (of course he did) that the second phase would be held ‘next year.’

As in 2020. As in, a few months away, at least.

I wasn’t aware that annual physicals were so big they had to be split into two iterations, like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows film, and the last two Avengers films, but there you go.

Like the President himself, the president’s physician also proclaimed that there was no emergency at all, and that Trump’s being rushed off to the facility was routine.

Dr. Sean P. Conley, physician to the president, used a memo released by the White House late Monday night to refute speculation that Trump had suffered from chest pain or another serious issue that led him to suddenly depart the White House by motorcade on Saturday afternoon.

Makes sense to me. I’m sure Trump, that notorious workaholic with legendarily healthy exercise and nutrition habits, was slaving away in the Oval Office on Saturday when he was rushed off for his routine Saturday-afternoon physical.

If you can let me know any high-profile doctors who work the weekends, I would be very surprised to meet them. I would be equally surprised to meet the doctor who scheduled Trump’s next physical nine months after the last one – and on a weekend.

From Politico:

Trump‘s surprise visit to the medical center prompted rumors on social media that the president was seriously ill. Unlike prior routine presidential physicals, the Saturday visit was not on the president’s schedule. It also came just nine months after his annual physical.

I don’t buy any of it, yet it’s the same nonsense we’ve been seeing with our own eyes. I mean, obviously it’s insane that a septuagenarian with a fast-food habit and the profile of 15 pounds of manure piled into a ten-pound bag would be rushed to hospital with chest pains. It makes sense, and validates the other evidence of a hyper-tense, overweight, older man who spends all his time yelling at the television and the world that everybody is mean to him without using his muscles. Ever. Trump’s distaste for exercise is legendary, and it has been reported he believes the body has an infinite amount of energy in a lifetime.

So, essentially, if Donald Trump, or someone around him, has said something on any topic, it’s a fairly good bet he’s full of shit.

Here’s a code:

Trump quote “I’m a smart person with a high IQ” means really ‘I can barely tie my own shoes and my dad bought off Wharton to get me in.’

Trump quote “We’re looking into that.” Means really ‘We are in no way looking into that.’

Trump quote “I work very hard.” Means really ‘I watch daytime infotainment to hear Fox & Friends praise me for four hours. Every morning.”

It’s the simplest thing ever.

Can’t believe it took me this long.

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