I had a conversation with my daughter yesterday that I didn’t enjoy.
In that conversation, she relayed to me the trauma I had caused her in her life buy allowing my anxiety and stress to rule the day when she was younger.
Then she unloaded on me a little bit more and she told me that a lot of the anxiety she feels was partially, or in large part, my doing. I can accept that and try to move forward.
It’s hard, though. I had always prided myself on being a good father with gusts to outstanding. Turns out my daughter was constantly walking on eggshells around me and couldn’t find a way to tell me.
She explained that she had never felt like a priority and that I treated other peoples' families better than I treated my own. That stung me.
Hard.
And that’s fair. I have often allowed my anxiety and my fears to sneak into my everyday life and run things for me and that is very much what she was referring to.
Now, my challenge is twofold; the first of which is to help my daughter continue to develop into the wonderful person she has already become or to just drop all semblance of courage and let the relationship be estranged for a while.
At this very second, I don't know exactly which way I want to go.
This fills me with fear and dread and anxiety. My nerve endings are on fire again.
It hurt. As it should, and I deserved every bit of it.
I may or may not take a day or two away from blogging to try to find out what I can, and should, do better.
Here’s what I can tell you, dear readers.
Between night terrors and sleeplessness, Sunday required the help of some prescription sleep aids. I hope tonight won’t be the same.
I know that I can survive this because I am strong. I have love in my life and it makes me stronger trhan anything.